A Few Words

No matter how much you think you are prepared for it you never can be. On January 18th, my dad passed away. Three years ago he was diagnosed with lymphomatoid granulomatosis and we have cherished every extra day together as a family.

I have thought of many things that I could write here. One thing I do want to say is how grateful I am for the love and support of my friends. Your prayers held, and will hold me up as I discover what it means to grieve and process the loss of my dad.

I decided to ease back into blogging with something I have already written. Below this photo are the words which I shared at my dad’s funeral. I will have more thoughts to share soon, I am sure. But for now I will begin with these words of remembrance:

“As I look around the room, I see my dad in each person who knew him. He touched each of our lives in a different way. As we gather together we form a portrait of my dad like a mosaic made from many small pictures. I would like to offer you a few of my memories to add another tile to the picture of who my dad was to me.

As a child he taught us not only how to tie our shoes, but to my mom’s dismay, also how to play with our food and belch like champions. One of my fondest memories is ice fishing with my dad up at Lake Winnepesaukee. I would watch in awe as my dad chose various pieces of equipment that were a mix of old and new. I looked on as his hands seem to work on autopilot setting up hooks and lines that seemed an extension of himself. They were old friends that had been through the coldest of days with him. A flag would go up and we would all run with excitement to find out what was on the end of the line. He loved the anticipation of pulling the line through the icy water to reveal the illusive catch of the day. I will carry with me his feeling of joy and wonder out there on the ice. It was a joy to share in his joy. It was exciting to share in his excitement. Whether it was fishing, skiing or woodworking in the basement, his passion for these things was contagious.

As an adult, my understanding and love for my dad has been enriched and deepened. I grew up to know him as a man of courageous resolve who felt deeply about becoming the man that he wanted to be. He took on and accepted the challenges that life brought him, even the ones that he took on himself. Because of his willingness to take on those challenges, as well as look himself honestly in the mirror, he is one of the bravest men that I know.

Countless times I have told my dad how much I appreciate his and my mom’s tenacious commitment to their marriage and each other.  As a married woman, I am so blessed to grow up with such an example of: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. They taught me that marriage is work, but it is a work that produces vulnerability, closeness, healing and love. Like iron sharpens iron, my mom and dad are better because they have been together and shared a love that was honest and steadfast. I know that their example will continue to enrich my marriage.

As we share our memories of my dad, today and in the future, we add color to his portrait, but  may we also allow his memory to add a tile to our lives as well.”

Apps and ‘Zerts

Ok, really I don’t have any apps to blog about, I just really love the episode of Parks and Rec where Tom Haverford goes through his list of what he calls everyday things.

But, I have been busy in the kitchen this fall making ‘Zerts (Desserts), yet totally delinquent in photographing the process. Or, if I started taking pictures, I got too wrapped up in the baking process and forgot take shots of the final product.

All that being said, here are some pictures of my latest baking conquests this fall:

Blueberry and Pumpkin Scones

Fall Spice Biscotti

Mochachino Cookies: secret ingrediants

Mochachino Cookies

Plain Chouquettes

Chocolate Covered Chouquettes

I have also started a { recipe } section that I hope to keep stocked with my favorite carbo-buttery treats.

I really love finding a recipes that make good canvases. Scones, for instance, have SO MANY possibilities. I just love throwing new things in there and serving them to my friends to taste test. Recently, the following scones cranking out of my kitchen: Pumpkin, Toasted Walnut and Fig, Blueberry with Orange Zest and Double Chocolate…man, I wish I had all of those in front of me right now! I am getting hungry just thinking about them!

Let me know what combinations you come up with :)

Now, get out the flour and go to town!

Gratitude

We were all buzzing around the kitchen: peeling potatoes, prepping broccoli, basting turkey when I was struck by the fact that there is actually a holiday set aside for giving thanks. A national holiday to gather together with family and dear friends to break bread and just be together.

I know that the stores have now whipped themselves into a sale frenzy and try to entice us to join the madness at 12am. But the materialism of thanksgiving stays at an arms length- commercials and billboards that leave you with the choice rather than the obligation of engaging in the thrill of the best-deal-ever hunt. It has not become about gifts and spending, but remained a day to gather, reflect and hug the ones you love.

My hubby and I spent the day with amazing friends because we were not able to travel to be with family. I am grateful for “new” friends that feel like the oldest of friends.

Our gratefulness for our spouses, family, deep friendships, the Lord’s provision and healing was shared with joyful hearts and watery eyes.

Picturing Fall

This has been one heck of a busy fall. Reuniting with old roommates, visiting with family and celebrating birthdays. And amidst all of that there is the day-to-day of going to work and classes and applications that have deadlines looming large.

It is amazing how fast a month has gone by. It is hard to believe that Scott’s second to last semester is almost over. Have we really been in NJ for almost 3 years? I can’t even begin to write about all those thoughts yet.

This is a time of preparation, for both of us, for whatever is next. It is exciting, anxiety inducing and overwhelming all at once.

Relationship update: Running and I are getting along like old friends these days. I am planning on running my very first 5K on Thanksgiving and have successfully been training. I have officially registered and now cross my fingers that no injuries arise between now and then! I think my friends from the highschool track team would be amazed that I am actually running :) It really helps that fall is the ideal time to run- it has been so beautiful!

Hand in Hand

A quick sketch in charcoal of my mom and dad holding hands from a photo from walking at the beach.

My parents are amazing. Devoted and loving. An example of true love and friendship in marriage.

“In Out of the Wind”

Three years ago I bought a copy of Devotional Classics Edited by Richard Foster and James Bryan Smith for $2 at a used book store. I think that this might be one of the best devotionals I have ever happened upon. It is filled with the wisdom of male and female Christians from as early as the year 480. Their writings are rich, deep and profound.

Recently, I read the section by C.S. Lewis, or Clive as my friend calls him. This excerpt in particular made me take a deep breath and relax after reading it.

That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes at the very moment you wake each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.

I just love how his imagery gives actual life to the feeling of how overwhelming the day ahead can feel. Those worries and fears take hold of our day and our focus before our feet even hit the floor. It is so easy to give anxiety the power over us it does not deserve.

C.S. Lewis reminds us that this is not the way we should live as people who know Jesus. As big and powerful as those wild animals can seem in the morning or throughout the day, God can disarm and subdue them, “letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in.” We cannot simply will anxiety to cease. We must choose the passive action of “standing back from all (our) natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind” and allowing God to do the work as we trust Him with our present anxieties, our future concerns and our past regrets.

We found out just 2 weeks ago that my dad’s cancer has come back. We are grateful that it has not returned as aggressively as it has in the past, but we are still dealing with the vast array of emotions that accompany this return. I have prayed for many things during this time for him, my family, the doctors and myself.

I find that in prayer for myself I am asking for peace, that anxiety and worry would not win my mind and heart. I find peace does come. I realize that no matter what happens today, tomorrow or 15 years from now- the Lord is here now and will be there then. He knows the very depths of the core of my being and will not fail to provide, comfort and love in the present or the future. For me, this understanding has been a “coming in out of the wind.”

9/11/2001, A snap shot

As I listen to the stories on the radio reflecting about the impact of 9/11 on the person, our culture and our world- I ask myself the same question that the reporter asked a middle schooler who was on air with her teacher. What does it mean? How am I different?

There are a flurry of thoughts and feelings that weave in and out of my heart and mind as I consider all that has happened from that event. I thought of those who lost their lives and sacrificed their lives to save others and their loved ones and the service men and women who are over seas.

I quickly felt that whatever I could say or conclude seemed trite. So many lives were lost and families will forever carry the weight of the world trade towers on their hearts. Others bear the unjust weight and burden of discrimination and hate.

My trite conclusion is that the issues that have been born out of the attacks 10 years ago are so huge they is feels overwhelming, as just one person, to make a difference.

However, I can love. I can choose to live each day to honor the charge in Micah 6:8

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

That day, 10 years ago, I was getting my freshman year school picture taken. Dressed in our school picture best, we watched the news coverage in almost every classroom. We could not believe what we were seeing. Our minds could have never imaged what our eyes were watching.

Where Two or Three Gather Together

It is time. I have been putting off this see-ya-later post because, well, denial has been a sweet refuge lately. But here goes, time to dig deep and face the truth that my time with these beautiful ladies as neighbors has come to an end. As new people move into their old apartments, I can no longer pretend that they were just joking when they moved out 3 months ago. But that just means that skype will be connecting us rather than potato nights and brunches.

I feel so blessed to know these women. We have shared life together for the past two years and I am inexplicable better for it. I really believe that friendships shape who we are and I am so glad to have been able to spend 3 out of 7 nights a week with such amazing women. We realized that in the CRW world, where everyone is in transition, friendships are fast-tracked. Normally, people see their friends once a week or once a month. Here, were hanging out is as easy as firing up the grill and sending a text- multiple nights a week.

Thank you for the:

Faith, love, encouragement, prayer, hope, laughter, brunch, coffee, potatoes…

If I could sign up to live near them for the rest of my life, I would. What I just love is that these are women who are who they are and they own it. If you hate camping, you just go ahead and hate camping and that is just fine.

We have shared so much and done so much together that I wanted to capture that in a farewell (avoiding the word goodbye here) gift. I did 3 paintings that represented our time together for them to take to their next homes to remember Princeton. Please bear with me as I didn’t think to take better pictures before giving them away.

1. Saturday Morning brunches that would last for hours
2. Birthday and Christmas Parties and weekly dinners together,
3. Grilling out in front of our building at the picnic tables and talking until the sun went down

Friendships do not rely on time or place. They are sustained by love.

In the end, this post can only be a small gesture of appreciation and explanation of that which words cannot do justice to.

Where two or three gather together, there am I with them

–Mat. 18:20

The Limit of Words | PMC 2011

Patience.Perseverance.Persistence.Pain.

Muscle.Might.Mind.Miles

Courage.Can.Cardio.Commitment

The PMC this year stood out from all the others. In the years past we have cheered on my mom and brother as they rode the long, hilly two-day ride from Welsley to Provincetown, MA. Standing at the finish line, cowbells in hand and tears always brimming in our eyes, we watched, cheered and thanked every rider as they rode in. Every single person there has been affected by cancer and is riding to raise money for cancer research at Dana-Farber in Boston.

Even though I do not know 99% of the faces riding by, it is impossible not to feel connected as you read their cycling jerseys, helmets and signs that bear the names of those who have survived and those who are remembered as they complete the 168 miles.

You can then imagine the weight and joy of this years ride as my husband, sister, sister’s boyfriend, aunt, uncle and parent’s friends all gathered in anticipation (and persistent cowbell-ing) of seeing my mom, brother and dad cycle across the finish line.

In Feb. of 2009, dad was diagnosed with a very rare non-Hodgkin lymphoma and the outlook was, to say the least, frightening and unknown. Fast-forward to August 2011 past the various other complications and second return of the cancer and you find a group of buzzing, joyful, teary-eyed, love-filled friends and family celebrating the gift of life as we finally see what we have been waiting (literally hours) for. They round the corner and my mom and dad’s friends, who are also riding, fade just slightly to the back to allow my mom, dad and brother to ride three across down the stretch to the finish.

-In all honesty, I almost just posted the photos, because even as I write words fail to really express this event and all that it meant to us.

To read more details about my family’s battle with cancer, my mom, my dad and brother’s have amazing stories on their Pan-Mass Challenge profiles that explain why they ride. If you would like, you are still able to donate to their rides even though the event has already happened.

Soul Food

At our church they have at least two hymns as a part of the service- I love that they have kept they Hymn tradition alive. 

As we sing together, I think of all the people throughout history that have met on Sundays and sung these hymns for hundreds of years. It is like worshiping with all who have gone before us.

One of my favorites is: Before the Throne of God Above.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God.

If this hymn were to be compared to food, it would be Jamie’s Chocolate Ganache cake. If you have had it, you know there is some truth in this comparison :)

Take some time this week and listen this hymn that proclaims truth, grace and joy sweeter than anything on this physical earth. I highly recommend Shane & Shane’s version.

Do you have favorite hymn? 

You can download SPOTIFY and listen for free (it is legal and legit too!)

Flowers from Pikes Place Market, Seattle